Episode One - Interview with Camilla Marchena | Music by Gooseteeth

This episode’s featured song is ‘Biome,’ by Gooseteeth, a project by Aila Scott, a chaotic futch musician based in New Orleans. Hear more: https://gooseteethmusic.bandcamp.com/

Full Interview Transcript

Ladies and gentlemen, and all of us who are neither and/or both, welcome to Trans Louisiane, the podcast of the Louisiana Trans Oral HIstory Project. My name is Sophia Ziegler, and I’m so delighted to say that this is our  very first episode. Just all around delighted 

This podcast features selections from the oral histories gathered by the Louisiana Trans Oral History Project, which aims to gather, share and preserve the voices of Louisiana’s trans and gender non-conforming communities. You can learn more about us at Louisiana Trans Oral History dot ORG, and by finding us on your favorite social media platforms.

This podcast also aims to lift up member of our communities in many ways, including our song of the month selection, in which we feature trans musicians. So be sure to stick around till the end of the show to hear our song this month. 

We also take time to thank all the people who make this possible. This week, I’m excited to thank Fox, Rae, Adam, and Caroline, all of whom are project patrons. Their support allows so much of the great work that we do. 

Later I’ll tell you how you too can be a patron of the project and get a special shout out on next month’s episode. 

But first, I’m delighted to say that today we’ll be listening to segments of an interview I did with Camilla Marchena back in August 2020. 

By way of both introduction and context I’ll say just a few things here, Camilla is a trans woman and uses she/her pronouns who works to uplift her community in a number of ways. We’ll also hear mention of Metairie, which is a part of the greater New Orleans area in Jefferson Parish, just outside the city. Camilla also talks about her job with Crescent Care, which is a health care center in New Orleans with a long history of focusing on LGBTQ+ communities. You  can learn more about them on their website

And just one last note, and this one about the audio quality: it’s not always great and there are sometimes mysterious background noises. I hope you agree it’s worth sticking it out, though. I really do love this interview.

And now, let’s start.

[PRE-RECORDED INTERVIEW BEGINS]

ZIEGLER: So, I've got my little script here that I will just jump into. This is S.L. Ziegler sitting down remotely with Camilla Marchena. Camilla is a trans woman and uses she/her pronouns. Today is August 2, 2020. We’re meeting remotely using Zoom because the COVID-19 pandemic is still very scary. Camilla, as we discussed before, this interview is part of the Louisiana Trans Oral History Project and the goal here is to gather real world examples of what it means to be trans in Louisiana here in the early 21st century. So, with that out of the way, I thought we would just start with early life. So, you were born in New Orleans, grew up in Metairie.

MARCHENA: Yes.

ZIEGLER: Could you just tell me a little bit about that, like maybe what your parents were doing?

MARCHENA: Yeah, so starting with early life, both of my parents, my biological parents, are Costa Rican, and my mother came by herself to New Orleans to study at university, and had me here. And she stayed. She didn't go back to Costa Rica. So, shortly after she landed here, she ended up meeting an American here, and they fell in love, got married.

She settled down here. They moved to Metairie, maybe when I was in the second grade. I would say my youth was challenging because of my, at first, what was my orientation, my sexual orientation, but I guess even before that, what really was coming in question or what I was emulating was a feminine energy that, coming from a Latinx background, wasn't really accepted. So, anytime that femininity came through, my mom especially, was critical of it and tried to shift my mannerisms and behavior to be more in line with what a traditional Latino son should be. So, even with that push back, it couldn't stop me. And I would pay mind to some of it, continue doing what I wanted.

And it wasn't until I went to high school, because I was in Catholic school, and they were very strict there, and then finally, when I went to this magnet school was when I started to meet more creative youth my age, who did theater and were into alternative things at the time. And some of them were open about their sexuality at such a young age that I started to feel more comfortable expressing mine. And thankfully the school there was small.  And it was there that I really started to get to play with my identity, with my gender expression, and it was, for the most part, supported. So, I was able to let loose a little bit more.

Towards the end of my high school, my mother and I, our relationship got very strained. She had been a single mom for many, many years. I kind of was forced to grow up quickly and help out to raise my younger siblings, and just took on a lot of responsibility. And then, also, trying to please her and what she expected out of her child. And at that time, I was shopping in the women's section. I was growing out my hair. I loved makeup and was definitely toying with my identity without having any real language or anyone to immulate. Even though I was a product of the Internet, I didn't really have anyone or a source to find what that language was.

ZIEGLER: I would love to talk a little bit more about your high school.

MARCHENA: Yeah, I would love to. That school was so magical. So, right before I got there, though,  I had also been made aware of how different I was from the other males in my class. And my perception of public school was that it was a little rough, so I was pretty nervous about that, especially knowing that I had been singled out as being different. Immediately after the first day, based off of the kids that I had met, I was like, "This is amazing." These kids just had this sense of freedom and were unlike anyone I had encountered. 

So, yeah, slowly I was still trying to hang onto the ideals of what you're supposed to be. You're supposed to be attracted to women. You're supposed to be into sports or whatnot. I was still trying to hold on to that image when I first went to Haynes and slowly realized that I don't have to there. And even though some people questioned it, it was very diverse there, and it definitely leaned more towards the creative type. And as the years went by, I could feel myself just being a little bit freer and freer, and pushing the boundaries, pushing the limits and no one pushing back. So, I could keep going. And it was little things. Like there, there wasn't a hair length I had to maintain, so I could finally grow my hair out really long. That was one thing I hated about the Catholic schools was you always had to have your hair really short, like your bangs couldn't be past your eyebrows. So, that was my first, "Okay, let me do this."

And then after that, it was like, "I'm going to start painting my nails." And I was starting, like fashion blogs were really starting to take off during that time, so I was online right after school looking at all these fashion blogs and wanting to emulate what I saw on them. My mom really liked to go thrift shopping, so I would go with her and pick out clothes for her at first in the women’s section,  because I've always had a good eye for  style. And then I was like, "Oh wait, mom, can I get this for myself?" I was very petite as well, so a lot of the boys' clothing just didn't really fit me right, or I didn't really like the way they fit me, very oversized and drab. Not the fashion icon I was trying to be in high school, huh? People would see me playing with my gender expression and be like, "Oh, I love that on you. You look great. Do this, or do more, and I want to see you in this." And I loved it. They fed that creativity and my expression during that time. 

So, for that reason, I feel really, really lucky that I got my peers' support, and someone who has always been a people pleaser, that was really important to me. Even though I was singled out and there wasn't a lot of other openly queer kids at that time, I didn't ever want to stand out in a bad way. So, seeing their support was really important to me and definitely was a reason that I kept going with it. Had I not had that support, I would have had no direction.

ZIEGLER: And so you mentioned before that you still didn't have the terminology that you gained later. So you are identifying as gay.

MARCHENA: Yeah, I was the gay, presenting somewhere in between girl/boy . Whatever other word you have for that.. But for me, I think what really just stood out was it wasn't just my attraction to men or guys, or whatever. It was this attraction and also this very natural feminine energy that just flowed out of me at that time. At that time, I was getting misgendered because I was like, "Well, I'm actually a boy." But when I would go shopping or in these public spaces, or on the phone, I was always getting called ma'am. People just perceived me as female.

And I liked it, and I didn't fight it. I wanted more of it. But yeah, even though the Internet was definitely a thing and social media was, at that time, there wasn't really anyone that I remember during that time that was trans or maybe even gender nonconforming that I could have really connected to. It's funny, when I look back at that time, so two people, which these references are so wild, but it was Walter Mercado, they were this astrological beauty in Latin America that would come on the news and do astrology reading. And we knew that they were born male because of his name, but embodied so much femininity, and like the energy. Like I've never met anyone or seen anyone like that before. And it was so ornate and mannerisms, so he talked a lot with his hands. But like very softly and his voice as well, and he would wear seven different rings on his fingers and wear these really colorful, ornate capes.

He has a documentary out on Netflix now, and I was like, "Oh my God. That's why, when he would come on, I would just freeze and be so in tune to what he was saying." And I could watch him because everyone in Latin America loved him and listened to his readings and took it as the Bible's word. So, yeah, that was someone who I recognized but didn't recognize. And then, during that time, social media started to become a thing so MySpace really was the big thing during my high school years, and there was certain people on there that would really mess with gender, and I was very attracted to them because of that reason. And they inspired me to do that in my life. But yeah, I didn't have the words for it. I was attracted to what I liked. I wanted to express myself in that kind of way. I didn't want to be repressed because of it or treated differently or poorly because of it. And because I was mostly supported and amplified in high school, I continued with it and pushed it as much as I could.

ZIEGLER: So, after high school, you ended up going to LSU and you started there in 2011. What did you go there to study?

MARCHENA: So, I didn't really know what I wanted to go to college for at that time, but the one thing that I mentioned earlier was I loved fashion blogs and I loved going shopping with my mom at thrift stores and putting pieces together. I wanted to work in retail. I thought working in retail was the coolest job ever, working at the mall. Like that was my dream. And so I was looking up different careers within fashion and everyone was like, "Oh, you need to go be a designer. You need to go for fashion design." so the two schools that I applied to were LSU and this fashion school in New York. Yeah, and I got into the fashion school, but when I was figuring out the financial aid aspect of it, I was like, "I can't do this."

So, yeah, I ended up at LSU and I was studying fashion merchandising, which is a little bit more the business side of buying and selling.

ZIEGLER: So, you were the only openly queer student at the high school. Did you connect with the queer community at LSU?

MARCHENA: I didn't. At that time, like when I had graduated, I was at the peak of my gender expression. Like, if you didn't know me, you were like, "That's a girl." I don't remember what my imagery of LSU really was. Oh, I had gone for orientation, I think, and I had realized that I have to tone it all the way down. I just could not. It's weird. I liked attention but I didn't like attention, and I didn't like the wrong attention, and I knew that, if my expression, if I'd continued down that path, I would have had such a difficult time.

But in terms of my gender identity and expression, it was a huge step back. It was like four years of time when maybe I could have been making some kind of progress towards my transition or could have kept going with where I was at, at the end of high school, but instead reverted back. 

So, I graduated in 2015. I spent about a year here in New Orleans, just working and getting reconnected and figuring things out, and then it was around 2016 when I finally had the language for it. And I don't even remember who it was. Maybe it was someone on YouTube that I stumbled upon. I don't really remember who was the first trans person or the first that made me feel like, "Okay, wait, maybe this is possible for me. And this is something that I can do."

I remember talking to my friends and my sister at that time, and being like, "Hey, I'm kind of thinking about doing this thing. It's kind of scary, but I want to go for it." And then things just took off after that. I'm impatient. I had already thought, "I wasted all this fucking time. I wasted four, almost five years at that point of my youth, and I had gotten rid of all my beautiful female clothing from high school. I had cut my hair or was wearing my hair really short again. I had these muscles because I was trying to be this person that I'm not. So, I was like, "Oh my God. I need to get back to where I was at the end of high school, like ASAP." And did everything that I could to get back there. And very similarly had lots of support from my friends that were here in New Orleans. And just went for it. Just really, at first, tried to figure most of it out on my own. I wasn't connected to any other local trans person. 

So, I was working at the hospital at that time and this gender clinic was taking off a little bit more at Crescent Care, and they got this grant that could hire two trans women. I was like, "Oh, how cool would it be to come work somewhere, where they know who I am." And that's how I became what I'm in my current role now, as a linkage specialist or patient navigator at Crescent Care. And get to just work for transwomen , and it has really just molded me in ways that I never would have thought, had I not been able to work in this field and connect with so, so many different trans women, trans femmes, and mostly trans women of color. 

And so yeah, I was like, "Okay, well I've been through this, and I went through it alone, and I want to connect with people and I don't want them to feel alone on their journeys. I want them to be able to reach out to an actual person and ask them questions about certain things, or where to go to do this or that, or what resources are out there." What I've been able to focus on has been mostly supporting other Black and Brown trans woman, and that piece alone, there comes so much with it especially during this time that we're seeing so much violence against Black and Brown trans people, specifically transfemmes.

ZIEGLER: I just wanted to ask one last thing that I normally ask. You're talking about how you had to do a lot of things alone when you first did it, and you wanted to supply support for other people. A lot of what we're trying to do with this project is similar. We're trying to create a resource that, when other people, both here in Louisiana specifically, but anywhere in the world, are really thinking about these things, you'll be able to have a resource where you can hear other people who have gone through it, what it meant for them to go through it. So, we're here in August of 2020, the world's a giant mess, but just wondering what we didn't talk about but you thought it would be important for people to know about, if they listened to this in a couple of decades, whether or not there's anything that you think is important we didn't touch on, or any sort of final thoughts that you have.

MARCHENA: Yeah. When we talk about the world being a mess and we talk about lack of resources, the discrimination, the violence against our communities, it's all very heavy, and when I speak about my community, it can feel like a pity party almost. And I don't ever want to highlight, I never want people to think that way. Like, "Oh no." To focus on the oppression that we face. And I really always like to leave it on a positive and uplifting note, and really just speak to the resilience,solidarity, that we exude, that we create with each other. It is unlike anything I've ever seen or heard of in other communities.

And my life has, I feel like, built me up for that, and I always honor the work of those who came before that I stand upon. So, this grant that I work in now wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the work that trans women of color have put in before me. The fact that I'm able to live so openly and talk about my experience, and not fear for my safety, and being loved publicly by my partner, this didn't happen overnight. None of this was given to us. Our transcestors, our ancestors, fought for all of this that we now are starting to finally benefit from, and that, to me, I don't even have words for the impact and how life changing that has been.

 Even with all of those things stacked against us, my community fucking makes it work like nobody else. Also, they are some of the most creative and uplifting and positive people I've ever met in my life, no matter what is going on in their world, and the resiliency and really a big fuck you to society. And being like, "Guess what? You are stacking all this against me. Well, I don't give a shit. I'm going to continue to do what I need to do. I'm going to knock it down, walk around, whatever way, get around it, and really just are incredible navigators of these shitty systems. There's just so much wealth of knowledge, and it really, to me, just centers around everyone's strength and resilience, and not letting anything deter them from becoming who they've always dreamed of being. They're living in their authenticity and no matter what trials or tribulations or challenges or violence they face in their daily lives.

When certain aspects of this work definitely get to me, and I'm by no means a bad bitch. I'm not the strongest person out there. There's definitely been a lot of moments where I have really felt defeated and knocked down, but I think of all those things. I think of already what we've accomplished. I think about the future, and it re-energizes me. It gives me the strength and the energy and the fight to keep going, and to leave this world a slightly better place for the other young queer and trans kids coming up after us. And you know what? Maybe one of them will show up to LSU and not change who they are, and will make LSU change, and accept and uplift who they are.

So, that's something that I've always, always loved to highlight and leave on. It is 100% my main driving force in this work, in my life, and I don't take it for granted. And I don't take it lightly. And that's why I work with a sense of urgency, because this is my family. I feel so loved and supported and uplifted, and that's because of the relationships and my community. I fight with everything that I have, and I want to leave this world a better place for my family. And I hope that whoever hears this story is benefiting in some kind of way because of the work that we have all done, and especially, especially to my Black and Brown transfemme, trans women, trans girls that are coming up after us. 

[PRE-RECORDED INTERVIEW ENDS]

That is such a beautiful note to end on. For additional interview transcripts visit our website at Louisiana Trans Oral History dot ORG. 

Before we hear the song of the month, let me just give very big appreciation to Caroline Ziegler and Rae Garringer for their editorial work for this episode, the Louisiana Endowment for the Humanities for the funds that made interview transcripts possible. We thank our transcriptionist,  Dre Tarleton. Our theme music is composed and performed by Daisy Ray. Today’s show was mixed, recorded, and hosted by me, Sophia Ziegler. And a giant, giant thank you to Camilla Marchena for being part of our project 

As I mentioned at the top of the program, so much of what we do depends on the support of patrons. If you like our work, you can find us at patreon.com/Louisiana Trans Oral History. All funds are reinvested in the community, this is how we pay the musicians for the use of their work, this is how we pay for ongoing interview transcripts. And I love that everyone we give money to is part of the trans and gender nonconforming communities. 

Today’s featured song is by Gooseteeth, a project by Aila Scott, a chaotic futch musician based in New Orleans. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, and I hope we all continue to support trans and gender nonconforming artists. Have a great day! Be safe out there. And we’ll be back next month with our next episode.